原文：

It’s not a funny picture. It reflects a common phenomenon in modern society. As is shown in the picture, four young people represent children act as （represent用在这里不恰当，因为画中的4个子女并不是代表守门员，而是正在扮演守门员的角色）gate keepers, take their old father as the ball and keeping him a ball－their old father far away from their gates. The meaningful picture reflects a common social phenomenon indicates that the four children take their father some children regard their parents as burdens and none of them is willing to take the responsibility of raising their father. （Joozone Edit's Note:文章第一句概述图画，最好在描述完图画具体内容后出现，因而挪下来与第一段最后一句话合并，并把最后一段话中具体的four children take their father as a burden 改成 概括意义的some children regard their parents as burdens，这样就成为一句总结图画，承上启下的句子了。）
I felt very sad as soon as I saw this cartoon picture. I can’t help worrying about our young generation and our nation. Our economy grows, but our morality decrease. We become richer and richer, but we are being less and less merciful. We young generation changes too much accompanying with the society development. We spend much of our time in earning money; we pay less with our families.
After seeing this cartoon, I feel worried about our young generation, even our nation. With the economy growing, the social moral level is sadly decreasing. As soon as people become richer, they are also less merciful. Especially the young men who spend more time in earning money tend to spend less with their families. （好学英文网解析:这一段有两个问题，一是使用了大量的I、we、our，作文中尽量不要使用第一人称发表观点，尽可能的把自己置身事外用第3人称对事件进行评论。另一个问题是这段使用了大量的短句。这些短句之间没有衔接词，看似加强了语气，实则严重暴露了你的作文里中式英语的痕迹，因为中文讲究的是意思的衔接即可，而地道英语讲究的是语法形式的连贯性，像这种一句句单蹦的短句是不可取的，所以我把整段做了改写。）
In my opinion, I think （in my opinion与I think 重复）the root of （复杂的不是现象本身，而是产生现象的原因）this phenomenon is very complicated. It involves so many social factors that it which is impossible to erase this tragedy immediately （that it is ...作为从句，先行词后不能再有代词，因为先行词就起到代词的作用；which is impossible to erase the tragedy也是不正确的，which 引导的定语从句，先行词指代的factors就是动词erase的宾语，所以就不能再出现另外的宾语tragedy了）. However, it is changing, for more and more people are aware of this severe social problem. They begin to pay spend more time with their families; they try to save time from business to spend a weekend with their old parents. The situation is changing.（最后这两句意思与前两句重复）

【修改后习作】
As is shown in the picture, four children act as gate keepers, keeping a ball－their old father far away from their gates. The meaningful picture reflects a common social phenomenon that some children regard their parents as burdens and none of them is willing to take the responsibility of raising their father.
After seeing this cartoon, I feel worried about our young generation, even our nation. With the economy growing, the social moral level is sadly decreasing. As soon as people become richer, they are also less merciful. Especially the young men who spend more time in earning money tend to spend less with their families. From hxw.red.
In my opinion, the root of this phenomenon is very complicated. It involves so many social factors, which is impossible to erase immediately However, it is changing, for more and more people are aware of this severe social problem. They begin to spend more time with their families.

【好学英文网为习作点评】
该篇习作采取两段式写作，首段用一句话描写了图画的内容，但是对图画交代的不清楚，没有把握住主要细节，语言功力较差，文字罗索且没有表达出主要内容。第二段阐述了子女不赡养老人的社会现象，分析了其产生原因，并提出了自己的解决办法。但是整段没有主题句，层次较多，条理性差，表达略有不连贯之处，存在部分语法错误习作长度146词，字数少于规定字数。根据考研作文评分细则，该习作可定为第三档中等。

参考得分为：10分。

hxw.red