How to use "Stroking"

* Give the other person a genuine compliment. Comment on some positive quality or trait they have.

* Let the other person know that you like, respect, or admire them, and value their friendship even though you're both feeling angry or disagreeing with each other right now.

* Convey warmth and caring through your body language, showing that you're interested, open and receptive, as opposed to frowning, crossing your arms across your chest, and shaking your head in a judgemental way.

But do you have to stroke people who really are jerks? Isn't it better to be honest and let people know what idiots they are? The answer is that you don't have to treat anyone with respect. You can respond to people any way you want to. It just depends on the kinds of relationships you want.

The Power of Admiration

Sometimes we all have to express negative feelings and tell people something that may upset them. Stroking is invaluable in this situation as well. We all have a deep need to feel admired and respected. If you treat people with kindness and make sure that your comments will never hurt or humiliate them, you can get away with saying just about anything. If you have to criticise someone, but you convey liking or respect at the same time, that person won't be so tempted to get defensive and dismiss your comments.

Here's a useful exercise that will help you develop greater skill in this technique:

Over the next week, make it a point to give out at least twenty-five compliments. Make sure that you include friends, family, shop assistants, and even strangers. I do this all the time. You will be amazed at how people, even strangers will light up when you say something next to them.